To Immolate: To kill or offer as a sacrifice, often by burning.
I often say my anger is my fire and in turn my balm to protect me from immolation. I joke that I very rarely get into kids faces unless they plan on immolation. I get that depression is anger turned inward and sometimes we turn it outward and yes that includes suicide as the damage it brings is like a blaze that burns through a town like those in California that takes decades to recover, if ever.
I get up angry and often go to bed that way. Nashville has turned me into a three alarm fire that no first responders could put out. I cope by controlling the blaze through sarcasm and avoidance. I go out of my way to avoid encounters that put me at risk and in turn use the ability to have an extensive use of language in which to spew a spark or two. I call the schools Dumpsters, the children Trash Bags and the people of Nashville Garbage as there is little I see here to counter or oppose that view. As I sit here in a classroom of 8th graders I see the same behaviors and idiocy that I witness in the adults in the community - ignorance, oblivion, cruelty and sheer lack of dignity. For a long while I said that they children are the reflections of the mirrors that were held by the adults in the room or more importantly the lack of adults to provide a solid frame in which to reflect and learn. The sheer violence by the youth here is the most telling as once again I awoke to a man being shot on his front porch by teens demanding money. This man at least lived but this is not the first nor last of the day or of the week with regards to gun violence here and frankly everywhere.
I used to also say I am not one who should have a gun as I might actually use it. At first I thought on others as people really annoy me but then of late I have thought what would it mean to end one's life at the end of a gun and no, I don't have the courage.
If you are following the travails and stories about Theranos and Elizabeth Holmes then you will know it is a complicated story where one employee was so despondent about working for her, his marginalization in the company and in turn his name attached to the varying patents she licensed (as he was the true creator and she truly just a con artist dropout with no real knowledge experience or any cred that would be able to build such a concept) he chose to kill himself through a combination of Advil and Booze. I remember a time when things were so bleak I was researching how to poison myself in a similar manner when Tarot Card/Gypsy stopped me and said. "Whatever you are doing there you need to stop and come see me and let me read your cards." I laughed and went to a Yoga for Trauma class (irony I was going to that) and later dropped into her temporary "office." I dropped a couple of hundred dollars and let her 'read' me. If you have seen the John Oliver show he discusses this deception and how they play upon people and I say that if you are aware of it and go in with the idea that there will be so much you will believe, so much you will spend it is no different that therapy which is equal parts bullshit and equal parts more bullshit. Talking to someone, anyone at times regardless of who they are is what matters and that is the most challenging part. One of the reasons I don't go to therapy here is that my exposure to the people have led me to believe that empathy, compassion, kindness are traits they do not possess here. They mask it behind the God Bless and the Prayer but in reality they are nasty fucks and not in a good way.
To find those who connect and are willing to listen really listen and hear you is not easy and this weekend brought that to a head when two students from Parkland chose to end their lives and one at the hand of a gun. This weekend marked the first March for Our Lives that the survivors of Parkland had organized over the issues of guns and gun violence in America. This weekend also marked the families and survivors of Columbine getting together as they are now approaching the 20th year of that horrific shooting (April 20). We are now likely having more and more shooting-versaries as the situation here has reached critical mass and more suicides, addictions and other problems that will result from those who survived.**ETA** Since I wrote this this morning another casualty was added to the list, a parent from Sandy Hook, Jeremy Richman.
We are all complicit in this by not giving a flying fuck about people. Social media is not a compensation or method of connecting to those in the real world. The lack of engagement, the ability to hide and in turn abuse, ignore or simply live in a bubble of bullshit has turned us against one another in ways that I see in the children. They are rude, they are disconnected, they are morons and it shows in the adults they become. I witnessed a man at my coffee shop openly gesture, look and talk about me to his girlfriend and when I covered my face with my newspaper but just enough to still observe him, he laughed and said: "She just covered her face with the newspaper." His girlfriend did not look in my direction nor seem to give a shit but he and I stared each other down as he walked out right by me, my face full of rage and his arrogance. Yes this is the Nashville way - assholia.
And while kids are frequently found with guns with them on campus I doubt seriously any of them would ever act on committing such an atrocious act I don't doubt they would gun me down on the way to a bus, out on a walk or sitting on my doorstep. This is your future America, be afraid be very afraid as we are immolating.