Thursday, July 26, 2018

Everything I learned...

I learned in Kindergarten.  I am too old to remember much of Kindergarten and for that I am grateful but how did I learn to be empathetic, considerate, generous and a bitch?  My parents.  Good bad or indifferent they had the house open to a variety of people and in turn from them I saw people in all variations and lifestyles.  Open the door and see all the people and that is the congregation of the church of life.

Now I am an only child and in turn I also absorbed a lot.  I am not good a making friends and maintaining friendships but I am social and live in the moment.  I have always tried to leave on a good note and then I realized most people don't care and when they are done with you they are done.  It took me 58 years but I get it, I really do. That said I still go high and send thank you's and try to end things with a positive tone.  An example: When my marriage ended my ex and I had tickets to the Rolling Stones and we agreed to go together as a final farewell tour.  We ended the evening with him admonishing me to not tell his girlfriend and me going you need not worry about that.  He was always awkward and in turn I had no idea who this woman was nor cared.  For someone who thought he knew me he clearly did not recognize a person who is one step removed from Narcissist. I am no full on Trump but I am somewhere between Egoist and Narcissist.   I used to say:  An Egoist will say, I want to make love, please watch; A Narcissist will say, I want to make love, please leave.

It took a near death experience for me to finally be done with it all.  I had a tough few years as I tried to recover from TBI, the varying court cases and the rage and anger that dominated my life during that time while simultaneously finding myself struggling with retaining teeth that were literally falling out of my head.   Some people get all kinds of diseases and mine is all tied to my teeth.  So that is when I decided to find a place I good go to get them properly fixed and in turn remake what was left of my life.  I picked Nashville as five years ago it was declared the "it" city and I thought when I looked at how Vanderbilt (no, not Country Music) had remade the city thanks to the ACA.  Funny how that worked out that in a place that has so few citizens enrolled in health care insurance I would come to this place where health care is the major industry. Shocking, I know. It is also cheaper as a result as you can negotiate prices when you can pay cash upfront.

There were other factors that contributed to this decision and those I will never share publicly but they in turn worked out in my favor and I was relieved that worked out as planned.  The rest, no so much.  The tests and thoughts I would return to the classroom full time was immediately squelched early on once I set foot in the classrooms, from the children I saw the adults and that was not a good reflection so I had to suddenly find myself going into self reflection and examination in ways that I thought I had left when I crossed state lines.  But as the summer ends I realize that I came here for a reason and that is not quite done yet but once done I am out.  I can finally free myself of some of the things I still hold onto and unpack those bags a little more to be lighter when I leave.  That is a good thing.

But during this time I watch and read and yes listen. One of my great traits is this odd ability to listen and retain what people have said. I used that tool as a way of ensuring that my memory was still good and solid after injury. PTSD has way more affects on the mind than any external injury could ever do.  And as I watch my former nutfuck attorney Ted Vosk publicly share his long ignored emotional trauma and believe it was TBI but now find out it wasn't has been highly entertaining. That is the one joy of Facebook that no book, movie or TV show could ever provide.    But it is like watching the Real Housewives as they seem to think that airing their dirty laundry is a source of information and in turn entertainment.  Uh no it is just sad.grim.pathetic.

Watching the varying county, city or state wives act out, drink excessively, fuck indiscreetly, fight,  have several careers or jobs, marry, divorce, remarry and have lawsuits, arrests, and basically implode and start all over again every season perhaps hits a little to close to home.  Been there done that and done with it.  But  I think most people don't live much and they spend most of their waking lives living up to the expectations one learns in Kindergarten and then wants to somehow make up or compensate for the years lost in between Kindergarten and middle age.

And here in Nashville that might be the only time they learn anything as many times I feel trapped on some type of reality show where the fake smiles, the grinning and nodding followed by the ubiquitous "bless your heart" is exhausting. For the record "Bless your heart" is the Aloha  of Tennessee as it means - bless you you poor soul, fuck you or you are batshit crazy.  It has a universal use and appeal.  I for the record feel safe in saying I hate these people in the same way I hate most of the housewives as it is all surface no depth. And defines swimming in the deep red seas if by deep you mean a pool that stays 3ft and you never can dive deep but the waters churn endlessly as if it were an ocean.  That is the fake superficiality of the people here and what defines Southern Hospitality.

As I watched the Real Housewives of New York and the ones of Orange County this week I see women that are in my peer group, suffering from depression, weight gain, drinking problems, emotional health issues and mental health along with contrived persona's that they have created in which to generate clicks, views or at least maintain a contract as despite all the jobs and professions they have had or have, this is their primary occupation.   How sad.grim.pathetic.

I finished UnREAL after my evening of bizarre world on Saturday night and thought this is Frankenstein and be careful what you create and when you create something in what you think is the perfect image of you you get what you deserve.   How many of us look back on the books, music and other aspects of our life to take an inventory of influence on who we are?  And irony that came after watching Won't You Be My Neighbor with the Doctor and his Wife.   I was optimistic going in as I needed some adult peers my age to socialize with and I am not looking for BFF's just those whom I could go to a Movie with and go home.  I am not lonely, bored yes, lonely no.  And just once it would be nice to be in company with someone where I am not writing a check or fucking them in order to go out and about.  Well I would be wrong and that they did not teach you in Kindergarten.

I went yesterday to see "Sorry to Bother You" and it was in line of Get Out and a statement of race relations, horror and the way white and black people and poor are viewed and manipulated by well one rich white man.  Aren't we all?  It was filmed in Oakland where I used to live and it was funny to see the streets and how they have changed and yet not.  Oakland is and what always will be the funny uncle to the city across the bay or so I hope.  But I laughed during much of it as I had never thought about black voices and white voices and here in the South I just here stupid or not.  Funny how we choose to hear one thing but are we really listening?  Again that was the point as whatever he was selling it was all bullshit regardless of the voice.  Funny how that works out when we want to believe and we want we do whatever we need to. Ever see a Housewife in full tilt game? It is has the same fright factor as Get Out has.

One thing I don't have is game.  I am pretty direct and sometimes I just work around it with snark as frankly I realized on Saturday that the Doctor was not listening regardless.  He liked it when I was funny and doing stand up but when I elected to not seduce or suggest that there was the possibility of fucking me I knew that we would never speak again but again I was hoping that maybe he might be a normal sane individual and simply overlook it. But once again I proved it with my follow up email thanking him and giving him book titles that I was reading to share as promised and in turn wished he and his wife a good week.  I will never hear from him again and I doubt he will ever set foot in yoga class again or at least for awhile.  Funny I doubt he heard anything I said as he was alternating between playing Doctor and offering me endless advice on my dental work (which for the record he had never heard of prior to my explaining but when on and on about how I may of contracted periodontis at 16 some 40 years ago.  And that matters?)  to offering me new drugs made of Mushrooms and Foxglove.  Really I do pot and I never told him that sitting in my butter tray was all I needed to solve my issues in a positive way.  In between was endless stories about his wife giving him permission to find someone, stories of his father's wife who stole all his money, doing inventory and appraising my belongings then offering to buy them,   then back to his wife, their problems finding commonality, then some bizarre comment about wanting his wife in cuffs and gags a la 50 Shades and then the ubiquitous "just kidding" when I just stared at him after this remark.  I felt like I was watching a Housewife meltdown in real time.  Or a horny teenager when he was running about my home saying "teach me"  about a city he has lived in for over 20 years (me only two) I did not know what the fuck to say. I wanted to say: Try doing that yourself fuck, get in your car, throw your daughter and wife and go outside your comfort zone.  And yes he has a daughter in high school and when I said these schools suck he continued the discussion, advice giving and finally I said read what one of your daughter's former teachers, Scott Bennett has to say on his blog about the district. He goes; "I need to speak to him about this"  I said he has since quit, BACK in February, relocated to South Africa so good luck with that.  If he was  so in touch with the school he would have known that he left mid year came back for Commencement and spoke at it but hey you are busy traveling or thinking about fucking around on your wife.   Have a problem in your marriage? Seek counseling not a woman in a yoga class to fuck or do whatever with.    He made Sonja Morgan seen sane!   And then I thought this is a David Sedaris moment and will make great copy!  So hey my book gets better every day.

When we finally parted company he was so excited about this area of town he had never been to (5 mins from the theater) and thought he might open an office for his practice here.  I just could not believe what the fuck that all was as I stood there and watched this strange man (in every way as we only just met that a.m.) ramble on and be both judgmental and desperate simultaneously.  All l I though during most of it was: Please leave.  It was was  later after he left (I invite people into my home as I knew he would not hurt me btw and to shut him up as I thought he needed to see I was a fine independent woman who did not need all this bullshit advice.  Wrong on that one) was what he wanted to do was have his wife to meet me to get her tacit permission or approval and then wanted me to seduce him relieving him of the responsibility of such.  It made me physically sick and did he have a drug for that?  This is where we are with #MeToo, nowhere.  Join Occupy, Black Lives Matter and the Fight for 15 as just another soundbite in the culture.

I shared a synopsis of this story with a woman who runs a great shop in Hillsboro and she agreed with my assessment about what transpired and she in turn told me of the elderly black man at the Y (the same one) who was chatty and friendly to the point he would come to the store and buy goods then give them to her. And it went downhill from there to the point she  became concerned and has since relocated her shop has not gone back to the Y.   This is where we are.   When grown independent women cannot have conversations with men and they believe it is invitation to your pants I might have better respect and understanding regarding the Housewives.  Oh fuck that I just know that what we learned in Kindergarten stays there and men never outgrow it.  

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