The damaged children run the spectrum of learning disabilities that manifest itself in adulthood in emotional and intellectual behaviors that are almost childlike in their execution - short attention spans, overwhelmed with emotions, rage and sexual dysfunction. I have never met more Drama Queens and Kings in my life. It exhausts me as it depletes me and my own resources that I need to cope and to heal from my own pain.
Last night I went to my favorite yoga studio that offers an amazing class called The Big Relax. It is a combination of Yin Yoga and deep meditation. During that process we are guided to find a place of thought that is about the moment and that alone. The Chakra lights are placed into our breath and we use them to circle and enter our body through the abdomen, the chest, the heart, the lungs, the eyes and the third eye the center of the mind and emotional wellness. It was then where the white light was to circle you and find your positive energy. The guide in the process talked about the heart, the mind and ones intuition, one's focus of belief in self and finding self love and in turn allowing grief and through that strength. I have said of late that I have difficulty grieving and in turn expressing grief in a sane productive way and in turn while my instincts about people are quite good they have been pushed against the wall with all that happened to me at the beginning of my seven year cycle that comes to an end on my birthday October 16th.
The white light that encircled me is one I have spoken repeatedly about how I want to leave Nashville and so that reference was not lost. I was worried after the collapse of the friendship I had developed and in turn lost over the course of 4 months, it threw me in a place that made me question my instinct about people and my own issues and fear of men, my loathing of religion and in turn just my overall experience living in Nashville. And when I walked out and saw the white light of the full moon and the ability to follow it home as I call my Goddess, La Luna, I knew she was watching me finding my peace and place to guide me home.
I cannot look at Nashville in a positive light but my posse of healing freaks enabled me this broken glass to at least be repaired enough to rebuild and be better than ever. I leave knowing that and for that I am grateful. That much is evident as I wandered Jersey City realizing my instincts were solid and in turn once I fell back upon that I thrived. Again that is not always 100% when I had an instinct about another angry white male mover who had been sent email after email, with addresses, descriptions and details of the pods and the inventory inside, what time frame was needed and what I also would require in the move. Just in my first 5 min contacts I disliked his tone and sure enough when I finally followed up (as I pushed that away as again my instincts told me too) he did the typical thing I have found common among this type - Gaslighting. He had not read one of the emails, refusing to respond to any of them with a detail or estimate of what was needed. Here was what was needed - four men for an 8 hour day at an hourly rate with an estimate of what that would be in total. Not that hard but even the woman needed to know all that detail but she provided a proper written estimation with crew and time spelled out. Gosh and lastly my final phone call to the movers I found on the UHAUL site meaning they knew of them and had familiarity with this process and sure enough a direct quote that oddly matched the same as the complex written estimate. He was to the point on the phone and knowledgeable without bullshit. Hired and done. But the earlier call was again traumatizing and once again turned me on to a cycle of pain and self doubt that has dominated my time here in Nashville. It is as if the whole Southern persona is an abusive spouse who desperately tries to rile one up to the boiling point to then turn around and then offer a plate of sweet tea and biscuits to salve the wounds they cause. I have said that repeatedly and called it bait and switch but I realize now that is a Church scene and that is what they do here - preach bullshit and then have a food fest afterwards as it to compensate for the two hour bullshit-a-thon that preceded it. And it also explains the numbers with regards to Domestic Violence, overall criminal violence and of course addiction issues. Talking about problems, building trust and having intimacy that is not about sex that is also repressed has created a damaged culture here that frankly will never change.
It also explains the obsession and excessive focus on the Military here and Sports. The two domains that are largely male and heavily tied to lecture, abuse, and the male gaze. None of it good.
What does this have in common - Patriarchy. Men who dominate and control and manipulate in order to maintain power. Look at all the institutions in America and they are all run by men - Legal, Education, Judicial, Medical and of course Religion.
My loathing of religion I have been writing about as a way of enabling and coping with my loss of my friend Ethan. And then yesterday I realized I no longer fear him, care about him and am utterly unconcerned with him. I tested that theory on the way to Yoga by stopping for coffee which I used to do as I walked down the alley. I was worried that once again the anxiety and PTSD would kick in and that I would spend most of the class working through that. I found a coping mechanism by faking I was talking on the phone then I looked up from my "conversation" to see he was in the kitchen and from there I slowly unfolded and realized he was a sad sad boy who under the guise of religion was hiding his sexuality, his abuse and his well being and he was not my problem any more. So when I finally engaged in conversation I realized how he too had moved on to whatever fixation he has since developed - he was unaware of the Alabama story of the Hurricane and Trump and that again he has nothing to say about anything even baking which was his last obsession. (Again tied to his girl crazy behavior) Sad.Grim.Pathetic. And I felt nothing.
His former co-workers show similar development issues and in turn they almost are bi-polar with emotional swings and histrionics that have included one shaving off his amazing hair to somehow believe that it will change who he is. What that does is change your hair and women do that frequently as a way of expressing rage or depression. Sad.Grim.Pathetic. What that told me is that again trying to be someone you are not will lead to this and here sexuality seems to be the biggest issue at hand. This follows with gender roles and the role of women which according to the Bible is one of subjugation. That is the other good thing I learned from Ethan that the Bible is utter bullshit. I want nothing to do with it and cannot wait to leave as it again depletes me and my needs to become healthy and functional. When you are distracted by those whose issues are not yours you cannot focus on your own. Shame and guilt coupled with access and availability are often reasons why people don't seek help and then when you do and are rebuffed or gaslighted surprise you don't get well.
Reading the stories of men in the military who were raped tells you that the stories and the feelings are the same and tragically so are the results.
I urge you to read their stories and realize that we have a problem that is more complex that we truly understand.