Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Never.Land

I watched 3 hours of the Leaving Neverland documentary and the Oprah Winfrey interview that followed but I stopped at the last hour as I found myself deep in trigger warning territory.  Now I have never been molested as a Child but I have been sexually abused and like many victims I found myself complicit in a way as I invited the Vampire into my home and in turn allowed the sexual abuse to continue way beyond what was expected and desired. I own that much.  Then within the year I was drugged, taken somewhere and had liquor shoved down my throat and put into a car to drive myself home.  I was found dying in my car by a witness who saw a man come up the car open the passenger door, reach in and say: "She is still breathing." And then walk away from the scene.  I was taken to the hospital in a coma, awoke in full blown Traumatic Brain Injury with no advocate nor anyone to identify or help me and while I was delusional and fully insane (as you are post TBI). My blood alcohol count was through the roof and I tested positive for Benzodiazpines and when I came too I  said crazy shit that makes no sense (I read the hospital transcripts which were enough to realize how damaged and bizarre I sounded). And from that moment when  I regained consciousness I also had no ability to remember what happened to me or what was happening to me as TBI causes short term memory failure.  I did not come out of that state of post trauma amnesia for a week (again not uncommon with TBI) when I found my car gone and me utterly confused and terrified what the fuck had gone on when I was with my date that night of Feb 8, 2012.  I have been running from that night ever since.

Rage and fear do many things to many people.  I remember wanting to scream on a mountaintop that I was a victim and had done nothing to deserve this but then after constant rejection and abuse and disbelief by those who had to hear my complaints, concerns, beliefs I realized that they don't even when a check is on the other end.   And it is always about money. 

But when those who never knew Michael and seemingly have vested their every sense of living to obsess over a man long dead with clear problems distinct from those stories about his sexual derangement I have to wonder what you are missing in your life to carry on over this story and why you cannot let and let live.  Believe or not but to target, threaten and do harm is ironically a trait you share with your icon.  How sad. How grim. How pathetic. 

When two of the victims of Michael Jackson came forward we know that they were not the only ones as we do know of two others who tried to seek retribution or at least acknowledgement of this and like me who went through the system and found myself on the receiving end of the courts hostility and abuse towards those they view as "criminal' I get it. I really do. I see today that one Attorney, Kevin Trombold still practices with a skill set was no better than a Public Defender which he used to do and so now charges ostensible for the same service.  Ted Vosk has lost his mind attempted suicide by gun and then by walking into the wild and ending up on Go Fund Me to get into rehab which he escaped and then returned. Whatever meds he is currently on seem to be working but I used to take great pleasure in watching his meltdowns on Facebook while his wife was off skiing and hiking. Okay then.   Then lastly the Prosecutor of my case, Jennifer Miller, is a single shingle Lawyer who now plays saviors to the same people she used to once despise. Turn on the fake light and get paid to do right. She was a cunt then and likely still is.  Ted Vosk during trial did call that one right, it was the one right thing he did.

You never escape it.  This morning as I made coffee the TV had an ad for Capital One using a Michael Jackson song, I nearly vomited and I cannot imagine what that would be like for the men trying to recover.  Mr. Safechuck was clear when he said to Oprah it will be the rest of his life that this process will occur.  Yes he is right about that.

The lure of celebrity culture and of course the idea of flying close to the stars when you are a nothing cannot be lost but when parents project that onto their children they are doing them no service.  I cannot imagine any parent thinking any 30 year old man or woman sleeping with a child not their own at any age is a good idea.  But the fear of rejection is a big part of how those who wish to harm play upon.  We have seen this repeatedly with Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, R. Kelly. The rumors, the reputations and whispers are in their own clique and when you are on the outside looking in I am not sure how you are sure to know what is being said. And given the hysteria around this Michael Jackson documentary you can see how vested people are in believing whatever myth the dead Jackson manages to summon from the grave. And all of it has to do with one thing - money.

I was saddened to hear about the passing of Luke Perry as he was the "it" boy of another era and like many crushes and fascinations of my past he was just that. I saw him on Watch What Happens Live and he was funny and interesting and that was that. Maybe I just don't get fandom or maybe I just am so out of touch with the idea of worshiping a dead rock star to the point of extreme that it was difficult for me to navigate the bullshit on social media about this documentary but once again it was no shocking nor surprising as we vest all of ourselves on the extrinsic as that will somehow compensate for the lack of what we have within, real friends, real family, real work and real community.  We live on the outside afraid to go inside to find the truth. 

So to stop thinking about all of this I went to the gym to cleanse the anger that courses inside and I opened the Vanity Fair from last month and there was an article about Justice Kavanaugh and  Georgetown Prep the school he attended when the "alleged" assault on Ms. Ford transpired.  What was more horrifying was the secondary story about another student, Eric Ryuk.  Well Mr. Ryuk could easily be Mr. Safechuck or Mr. Robson when he decided to name his accuser, a Priest and Teacher at the school. The smears, the inferences the attacks were not dissimilar and he found himself between desperation and frustrations.  This culture of silence and wall of denial is nothing that anyone has found when they too decide to change the dynamic and tone of the conversation.   This is one such example from the article:

  By January 2004, the situation escalated, with alumni waging a vicious and baseless smear campaign against Ruyak. In one e-mail that circulated within the Prep community, an alumnus claimed that “Eric flat-out admitted that he made the whole thing up.” The e-mail referenced Ruyak’s “rocky coming-out experience” as a possible motive—even though Ruyak had not yet come out—and expressed shock that he had not been expelled “for the lies he spread about Fr. Orr.” (Contacted today, the writer of the e-mail admits he had no basis for such claims, and is mortified that he wrote it.) As the rumor mill went into overdrive, the Ruyaks recall hearing all sorts of things: Eric was a sexual deviant; his parents had molested him; Eric was dying from AIDS
 This same crew which while under the auspices of God seemed to do the same when the Kavanaugh accusations became public. 
Meghan McCaleb initiated a letter, circulated among a group of Visitation, Stone Ridge, and Holy Child alums, asking for them to add their names to a letter attesting to Kavanaugh’s character. Within a span of minutes, says one alum from the group, many women had signed—most without knowing the substance of the allegations against Kavanaugh. What’s more, two sources familiar with the letter estimate that three-quarters of the signees didn’t really know Kavanaugh, and weren’t in a position to attest to his actions as a young man
 And again this is not shocking nor surprising in the least as this is what I see/hear in Tennessee anytime anyone has the audacity to confront the wall of lies.  A way bigger wall than any Trump could build in Mexico.   Ad hominem attacks, vicious mockery and debasement are all forms of entertainment here when it comes to pointing fingers, laying blame and finding fault. Yesterday I was at one of the acclaimed high schools and I said into no one in particular as the kids came in, "Well I am officially coffee-d out for today." And as I dumped the residue of my coffee into the lab sinks I saw a kid start the make fun face of which I am more than familiar. As no kid heard it other than him he was ignored but I stared right at him and he said nothing more.  Then later part of his same crew asked me what I was reading in the paper.  I said, "Well this is yesterday's as it was such bad news I thought I would wait a day as none of it good so I thought a day later might be less bad, I was wrong" And then I held up the front page that had the Trump/Kim fiasco, a story about MJ and another about human trafficking.  Using the paper as shield and distraction I once again saw the eye rolling and face making as if I am doing something beyond weird.  So I said, "Thanks for reminding me of my convo with your Teacher earlier when I said I was leaving Nashville as I found you kids the rudest nastiest of my career. from the smirking, eye rolling, derogatory commentary it is so exhausting that I have finally said enough and am out of here in six months and cannot wait to leave." One said, "So you have not found Southern Hospitality all that?" I said, "No, I have never experienced it and you kids do nothing to change that view so why pretend that it exists you are all too rude to believe so what.ever I am out in six months."   And I watched them have the second face of shock, meets wow this is horrible not embarrassed or even remotely so but more like they got caught is how I see it and I always will. And I walked out of the school that day going well the trash bags are flying as the dumpsters are released.  This is how I see the children here and one finds way of coping to manage the stress and rage that you find as your pain follows you from place to place.  Forgiveness is not an option as I have no one to forgive but forget that is the truth.

Believe or not but that is for your domain don't harass abuse torment and continue on doing so as until you have walked into another man or woman's shoes you have no fucking clue how they feel.  I hate Nashville as it is never a land that enabled me to be free of my demons and why? They have too many of their own that share the airspace.




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