Saturday, August 12, 2017

The Flame and Fury

This was a story titled about the adventures of Silver Surfer:
The Silver Surfer wishes to walk amongst the humans once again. While he is having clothes made for him he remembers his friends the Fantastic Four. He thinks that maybe they can help him escape the planet.

He travels to the Baxter Building where he finds the Fantastic Four with a general of the US Army. He wants them to capture the Surfer for him. The Surfer overhears this and thinks that his friends have betrayed him. He flees but the Human Torch follows.

The Torch tells him that he just wants to talk but the Surfer will not listen. Too many times has he been fooled and betrayed. The Surfer continues to evade the Torch. He finally is cornered and knocks the Torch unconscious. But he lands on the train tracks with a train approaching. He uses his power to save Johnny.

As the army approaches he soon finds that the Four did not betray him and that the army only wanted his help for the space program. He cannot figure if he was too human or not human enough in his actions.

And that I think is a fitting analogy for the United States at the present time.

Tonight white assholes who have never been laid or been laid by the female equivalent which means a lot of fat unattractive greasy sex, took to the Campus of University of Virginia or now Virgina the planet of white pasty virgins. They were armed - okay with Torches - that were those seen at bad yard parties and Hawaiian themed restaurants, filled with Citronella as it is still summer and we cannot have the risk of Zika hitting us and demanded WHITE LIVES MATTER.

From this sad version of the villagers chasing Frankenstein it makes me laugh that this is the same University that were maligned falsely about a campus rape. That seems small potatoes to what is really going on this campus. Rolling Stone should have waited a little longer and all of that would have gone away.

I took the evening off and went to have coffee and listen to some happy hour music and got home at 7 and just watched my recordings of Stephen Colbert and Seth Myers rather than watch news and hook up with Social Media. I had already returned to work this week and after just three days in the things they call schools in Nashville I needed to self isolate.

Again the children and the schools here are the most ignorant violent tragic characters that I have ever encountered so today to be at a well respected Magnet school with my favorite grade - Sixth -   I was fortunate that I  ended it on a high note.  As that can only be countered by the school I was at yesterday.   It is the one step from jail school literally a block away from my home.  I have gone there repeatedly and thought this is truly a pathetic grim place but the convenience is why I go. But yesterday I walked out of the classroom I was in and went to the intervention specialist and said, "Those kids are frightening me." This was after the Police and the drug sniffing dog had come and after several other altercations that had happened in the school already that day and it was not yet noon.  And all of the problems centered around black males who were utterly out of control and were so bizarre smoking dope in the bathrooms (no wonder you need a key to enter) some verbal fights and threats  and this is only  day three into the school year.  This class has already had one casualty as the previous sub had bailed and with good reason and again this is after three days.

This is where once again I have asked myself repeatedly, "Am I becoming a racist?"  So today with a mixed group of highly adorable and equally aggravating across race (they just are at that age but it is cute as hell) kids I was relieved as I met kids all over the spectrum and one adorable young black boy had so much gear and stuff I carried it with him to his next class. His backpack was bigger than he was!   .But it still makes you wonder what happens in families of color that are that affected by poverty to that level (and again it is not consistent) to have no concept of how to behave and any ability to self manage as that is much of the issue that is leading to the massive suspensions and expulsions that seem to follow race lines.    It is as if that brain synapse gets jarred thanks to the segregation and isolation that poverty and racism brings.   And in turn that explains the increasing escalation of violence across many cities of America as poverty and race with no prospects or future, turn intrinsic anger and depression outward.  How is that is any different than what I do in my home?  I chose to segregate and isolate.  The only difference is I have an education and money.  And yes I am white but for the record there is one white kid at this same alt school and yet he is utterly rational. Was he always? No or he would not be in that dump.  He was yes, stupid,  as I had a conversation with him and his ignorance was palpable but it is a tragic,grim and pathetic  reminders of how it is here  for any of the children here regardless of race when you are poor.  

Then I had my own personal baggage where during this bizarre week where the closure is finally happening which normally marks transition. And in turn I think it means I  am moving forward. It is horrific it is not easy and certainly I wish it was better but it is what it is.  If I did not have the places I go to have coffee and laugh with the kids there I am pretty sure I would be angrier and more isolated but taking to the street with a Tiki Torch even I am not that desperate.

But aside from my horrific gig, and yes this is a gig in the same way driving for Uber or working for Task Rabbit is, kids Substitute Teaching is just more horrible than running errands could ever be, I came home to find emails from my bank and from a "friend" whom I haven't spoken to in years, and to  a post from my former Attorney that had me reeling. This after dropping the bomb on my reading group where I read, The Carpetbagger, and it did nothing to endear me to the charming white privilege of Nashville.  So I am pretty much SOL on fitting in here with anyone.

The bank email was asking me about my ex-husband a man who has barely passed my thoughts in the decade we have been divorced so when I received a security email asking about my trip to Croatia  I thought, "Wow I was only discussing this as it is Game of Thrones land and I would love to go there." So is Wells mind reading? No my ex and his wife, the woman whom he was sleeping with and has since married, are going for their anniversary. And irony it was this same card that I found out about his affair a decade ago.  He must save it for special occasions. So this was immediately fixed and then the next email was from a "friend" who was letting me a lover, whom I had neither seen nor spoken too or about since we ended our affair 20 years ago, is dead.  Now I care about neither of these people as that friendship and that other relationship had run their course.   She informed me about herself, her children and in turn grandchildren whom I have not seen nor spoken in 15 years, and then in passing asked if I was okay. Then launched back into the time she has spent with my ex lover, his wife over the years.  Gee did I not introduce her to him and this girl code thing right?   Oh that ended when she went to Mexico with him after I got married and it was the one time my Ex was right, she is trash dump her.  I did remain casually friendly and in turn when divorced tried to remain friends but if one thing my ex was right about was her.  So on this email it was filed under -  What.ever.  Frankly,  I was more traumatized by Prince's death,  David Bowie and Joan Rivers and I actually only knew them professionally but they had a way more profound affect on my life than this man.  So I elected to hit delete forever and move on. 

And lastly I read about my former Attorney who now thinks he sustained Traumatic Brain Injury from his colon surgery.  Irony as I was discussing Chron's disease over coffee tonight and we were discussing  how the serious pain, the sloppy care and surgery that often contributes to the pain and in turn opioid addiction of many.  And in turn anxiety and pain lead those to turn to self medicate and that there are many ways to do just that.  And frankly if Pot were legal that offers a much safer and better way to do so than even booze so why we are not looking to end this and fix this is beyond my knowledge.  No pot does not make you an addict in the same frame booze does not make you an alcoholic.  As they say, "it's complicated." 

Then  to hear my former Attorney who when we were working on my case together I discussed medical marijuana and he said he could not use it due to the federal law and his Attorney license.  Since that time he has moved to Juneau, is becoming a part time crab fisherman, running biathlons and is highly functioning intellectually claim he was now suffering TBI was laughable.  He is confusing trauma with brain injury and while they are clearly connected it was not the surgery that led him to have emotional functioning issues it was the abuse he had a has a child and then the surgery that triggered the anger and rage he has repressed these years.  And in turn why he has so many problems coping and connecting with others.  Yet he has been married for 20 years to the same woman (although they now live in two different cities which is none of my business but again a flag)  but still has a highly respected professional life.   But this need to be damaged and in turn recover turns some to make immense lifestyle changes - both good and bad.  It is what prompted me to move here and no doubt his move. However I don't want to add any more labels to myself I am looking to erase them. People really need to stop with the Social Media and work through their shit in Therapists offices or at a bar as we used to.
But addiction and labeling I think  may have been a problem with the Mayor's son who died here and had some Xanax related issue.  Now why a 22 year old boy was on Xanax meant he had been at some point I suspect diagnosed as ADD.  And I note that he had gone to this very impressive magnet school I was at today when he switched schools to a more progressive and alternative private school for the last few years which may have been why.  Less structure and in turn less demands to reduce anxiety.  But in turn given this drug which he became hooked on.  Then when living in Tacoma Washington and going to school there he was able to use legal Marijuana to alleviate anxiety and function he graduated on time without any incident. Then promptly after graduation his parents found out about the drug use and shoved into rehab where he was given Xanax again and in turn I suspect this led  him to move to Colorado where pot is legal and out of the eye of his family.   But I suspect by then he was escalating into higher level drugs as thanks to rehab where there are more drugs of that caliber and people who use them which 28 days does nothing to stop.

All of this is tragic and sad and we truly don't understand addiction or drugs at all and frankly I have used Marijuana, tried LSD and Coke and drink.  And it took one fuckwit slipping me a benzo based drug and nearly killing me to know that I don't have the addictive synapse that leads people to switch gears and in turn become addicts.   It is akin to any alteration in the cellular functions like ALS or Cancer that leads a functioning person to suddenly become sick and there is no cure only the ability to function and live a productive life for as long as possible.   It is any one's fear.

I am no expert on any of this shit but I look to our Government and think shit they need drugs.  But when a bunch of punks think they are being victimized for having to recognize that being white and being "privileged" to go to a College, to have access to private or expensive public education, to buy drugs without fear of arrest and their lives being utterly thrown in chaos, to be able to go to a hardware store and buy a supply of Tiki Torches without concern is laughable.  They were all indigent a year ago about the Rolling Stone story which actually was about the wrong subject clearly. Because there is a lot going on there more than rape. 

We are at brink of a war with North Korea and Guam is now the Island in Survivor where we have to outwit, outhink and outplay to become the ULTIMATE SURVIVOR and win what?  Existence?

Trump reminds me of the black boys I encountered on Thursday.  Utterly without filter, arrogant, stupid, violent and stupid as shit.  And no one yelling at him, taking his Twitter away or even trying to rationalize with him will change him.  You cannot be rational to the irrational.   He is a perpetual child angry white male.  The only difference between he and those black boys is money and whiteness. It has insulated him from truths and from being abused, thrown in jail or harmed in ways that has my White Attorney think is permanent brain injury.  As a true survivor of TBI I can assure you it is no walk in the park but you can come out of it.

But when I listen to Trump it runs to close to home for my liking. The bragging, the arrogance and ignorance and even that sex tape reminds me of the boys here in Nashville.  They talk endlessly in the same manner with a very limited vocabulary, often making no sense, posturing, making threats and are obsessed with Social Media.  Even when you try to communicate with them they take one word out of context and endlessly repeat it over and over to the point you either blow up (metaphorically of course) or walk away.  I thought I was a Racist because I had never experienced it in my life and then I realized Donald Trump is the same way.  We are fucked and no Fantastic Four will save us.  You cannot be rational to the irrational.   

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