Tuesday, December 27, 2016

The Year at End

I think this might be the last blog post for the year. It has been horrific on every level for me personally and I suspect for others it has been the same. I have watched as Icons have passed without warning and others who I had forgotten whose last breaths reminded me of the breaths of laughter they gave - thanks Zsa Zsa.

I am not okay in any sense of the word. Immense grief, immense anger and the depression that results from both have paralyzed me in ways I had hoped were forgotten. I though my life came to an end in 2012 and it had just not in the way God planned, for whatever reason he kept me alive that night and plunged me into the most horrific past four years that I used to say was my cancer. If I survived that I could survive anything and here I sit in Nashville a city that I have come to question why I ever came here and I realize that I would have said that about anywhere as I was running from and not to anything.

I need to write books. I have no interest in freelance writing even though I could use the cash and it would keep me out of the Nashville Public Schools; however, I think it would keep me from writing what I need to write. So my resolution is to write my ass off, to ignore kids, schools and just draft, research and draft more. I need to write as I need to breathe and I need to breathe to keep living. This year took the lives of many whose time it was and whose time it was not.  And I have no intention of eulogizing or writing lengthy in memoriums about how they affected me.   When Joan Rivers and Robin Williams died the connection to my family was through them and now all these deaths are all mine, they were ones who I loved through the ages thoroughly unrequited but not I am sure unwelcome. I sat in stadiums, in cars, my bedroom, my living room or plugged in listening, singing along and just feeling alive reading or hearing about them in their lives. Some I knew and some whose work I did but it did not mean they were ignored. As in life we pass through doors and brush against strangers not realizing the electrical exchange that just took place as a natural reality that occurs in science and the affect is no less essential. 

How to make things work will come with time. I am listening to George Michael and tears are coming now after I danced my ass off in the park thinking how lucky we have been to have such fun in both youth and age all from the same song. That is a legacy worth leaving.

So as 2016 ends the year on a Star Wars like explosion I realize that there is no Hans Solo coming to my rescue and that heaven is a hell of a gay disco right now. Ah I am glad however to have my place in line held for right now, I imagine the doorman is quite picky about who gets in and as he should.

I said today to an idiot (as this is Nashville and that is all there is here) who works in the infamous clothier Manuel's shop, that I am ending I think for now my Magical Mystery Tour and spending time just sitting at a rest stop and reflect on what my journey has brought me. He goes, "well that term has already been used and that people might not understand what you mean as it is not yours." Okay another idiot on which to end a note of a day of tears, so I responded, "Yes I am quite aware I appropriated it and that is the point as I use it as mutual point of reference but thanks." Then I walked out and thought I will never walk in there again. That is what I have learned in Nashville that people here are morons so walk away and out.
I did my self inventory already this year and I cannot do it anymore it brings no peace nor soundness of mind and without those you cannot write a last will and testament and that may be also a good thing.

A year ago I burned the names of my enemies and froze them in bags in my refrigerator and buried them when I moved as if to leave them in Seattle. Well that damn wind followed me and I did not clearly dig deep enough. So it is time to do this again and let the ashes take them with the wind to another destination

 He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle themselves away - Raymond Hull 

As George Michael now sings about faith I know that it has many meanings.  And for me Faith is a belief, a hope that there is something at the end of the road that is there to welcome you. Be it to the gay disco or to the holy roller hall of fame, whatever floats your boat, let's just hope there are enough boats for us to find our tribe. I think I know the one I want to board and it is a hell of a party boat.

So ending this year seeing good movies, some bad ones, amazing TV and some not so amazing, reading good books and some dogs and always listening to good music as there is none bad on my playlist.

Find your playlist and dance like no one is watching. You have nothing to prove but to yourself and find the song that you can sing with all your heart and passion. Live life and live it to the end.

Happy New Year.

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