This week I am exhausted, my own health issues dominate my mood. I am tired of walking into strange schools and walking out still a stranger. I feel here in Nashville I am a stranger in a strange land but not strange. But when you are disconnected from people, from finding a place that fits and fits you you realize that like that old pair of shoes that are well worn are comfortable but no longer functional, you toss them with regret. We do that with people and we do it to ourselves.
We do it by ghosting, ending friendships, marriages, quitting jobs, moving, joining cults, taking drugs, or just being alone. We disconnect from ourselves and each other quite easily and do so now with greater regularity despite all this social media, how many are truly social and know social rules of etiquette? They are long gone with the Vanderbilt guide for them.
Walk down a street or in a public building and see that people don't walk to their right, they are not even watching where they are going, focused intently on their magical 3x5 card affixed to their hand. Stoplights, stop signs and the rules of the road are often ignored. In Nashville I see many wavers of cars, these are those that realize they need to get off, turn left or right and do so without a signal or even attempting to slow down and check to see if they can do so without causing an accident. A state that only recently mandated auto insurance explains why there are more personal injury Attorneys than benches their ads adorn. They are predators that match the ice team of the same name.
What defines personal injury anymore? Well shot and killed by Police, shot and killed by a self described terrorist or raped and assaulted by a famous person or by a cop or by just a stranger? Lawyer up they used to say when you are charged with a crime yet few are able to as there are great shortages of legal aid for the indigent, there is a great shortage there as there is no money to help either the guilty or the innocent. That seems to come later when fame and fortune and gratitude hit the exonerated teams that help those be released from prison for crimes they did not commit, they the actual individual to whom this happened - not so much.
I think I can finally say I have little respect nor trust for men, so this week when a woman Police Officer was charged with manslaughter in Tulsa for another murder by cop I was at least relieved that my disdain and distrust for Police was without gender bias. But as we know women cops rarely do shoot to kill. I honestly believe it is because it is simply a number game and they are just as likely if not more if there were simply more female cops as the first words out of her mouth were - I was afraid. Gee Cops being afraid seems to happen a lot. Perhaps a different line of work then?
Then we had another shooting and more deaths at the hands of law enforcement that did not make the news because they were just boys being boys but they were doing so black. We are on the cusp of reaching the same amount of deaths by hands of police as we were last year as recorded by the Guardian. So we have learned nothing this past year, NOTHING.
Then we have boys with guns wreaking havoc for whatever unseen enemy or reason that they have determined requires death and mayhem. The shooting in the mall outside of Seattle I knew the second I saw the photo that it was a boy who was a teenager. I did not think of anything race related or even politics. I thought immediately of the Marysville school shooting the year before and the boy American Indian descent who went to resolve his feelings of anger towards a romance now ended. Ah, revenge a dish best served cold or with a well loaded firearm. So when I saw the pic and heard that shooting was at a Macy's cosmetic counter I immediately thought this is another boy who is angry about girls and women and not getting "any" the any being anything men define as determining masculinity. As I write this American Pie 2 is on and one cannot forget any of the constant endless dialog about boys getting laid. Perhaps the new wingnut generation can blame movies for fueling this rage. But in reality our unhealthy obsession with guns is truly the reason and culprit. The Guardian has an excellent series with our long term love affair with guns, that one at least never gets old, nags or breaks up with you. You are in for life from every aspect, both giving and receiving.
This rage is an old rage, the rage of being passed over for a job, being dumped by a spouse, hurt as someone said something that lead to a job loss, a marriage loss or just the feeling of being a loser. We have had more violent episodes in my life with men with guns, explosives and raging anger behind trucks being driven into restaurants or crowds as means to satiate that anger. We just did not call it terrorism or find some other label to deny the real truth that as long as men have access to guns and weapons and feel that they cannot or will not ask for mental health counseling during a time of trauma as it is not "manly" expect more of the same. There are only so many rages you can post to social media, stalk, harass and vent towards others on Reddit et al before you take to the streets.
And it is not an American thing, the need for violence by Police or just by men. The New York Times had a lengthy article about The Women of Atenco seeking Justice for being raped and kidnapped a decade earlier for being part of a protest that led the current President of Mexico to seek a crackdown and in turn directly or indirectly towards the repeated violation of these women. Their stories are here and they share the same pain of women who have been victims of violence and the pain that one never fully recovers. And yes in America we have the pimp cops. The story coming out of Oakland/San Francisco Bay area about the cops the underage teenager and sex slavery continues to unfold. Viva America! We really should build a wall for what and who well you be the Judge.
Then we have Bill Cosby, for like his show in interminable reruns we will never know the truth and nothing but as women still want to be heard to be recognized and respected for admitting they trusted the wrong man and he in turn exploited that trust.
Women struggle with about how men think of them, more so than they do about how women think of them.
I read this editorial today
in the NYT is from a woman who just wants once a man to want her
sexually. Her story breaks my heart and you realize that she is not
even good enough to be raped by Cops, Bill Cosby or the fuckwits on OK
Cupid. You would think on that site alone just one man would be willing
to hit it given that most of the men on there are hardly swipe right
Which brings me to another editorial/opinion writer, Maureen Dowd, the poison pen of the New York Times who is absolutely verklempt that Hillary Clinton, spouse of her greatest pen-sis (I sort of merged poison with pen and penis there) Bil Clinton, is running for President. Dowd who has long gone on with little to say of humor or intellect is much like Hillary in that she too wants to resuscitate her career on those pant suit coattails. I am exhausted of watching and listening to the endless misogyny often by women. I have come to expect it from men and I can ignore it as I am now too old to give a fuck. Like women who are disabled, unattractive and/or old we are invisible. I spend my day being a ghost so when I hear of ghosting I laugh as I want to say, "just wait."
And then I read this about Dede Wilsey the Socialite of San Francisco who never met a man whose check she did not like. I recall her and her cohort of witches that ran the elite of San Francisco when I lived there and I realized why I actually like being white trash. This is a women being just like a man but had she had a real job with a real career much of this would be on the front pages of the Business section instead of the Style page of the New York Times. How sad is that? For Dowd who at least as an editorial slot that is a step up. Regardless of how I feel about Hillary Clinton I am voting with my vadge, she could not be worse than the dick (in every sense of the word).
I have a rage that nothing can resolve including loading up a shotgun and heading to a mall and killing anyone would fix. I just don't feel that at my mother used to say, "don't go to jail doing the world a favor." How true. Killing Police, Men or just anyone in my path is such a waste of good anger that instead I will go to the gym and run it off - for now. As for the boys who will become men - all two of you - you have much work to do.